


dancing on my own

by QuickCharade



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, I hope, Mentions of Anxiety, Mentions of alcoholism, Sad, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-15 21:36:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16071827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuickCharade/pseuds/QuickCharade
Summary: Sarah Williams and Rob Benedict used to be inseparable. And then, he began dating. Which he is allowed to do. Until it almost seems like he is doing it for the purpose of getting her attention or trying to make her jealous. Sarah can't take it and refuses to let him get to her, even if that means she has to take a break after a difficult con weekend.Loosely based around the version of "Dancing On My Own" by Calum Scott.





	1. somebody said you got a new friend

Seeing him with someone else is not supposed to hurt me like this. He is allowed to date people. He is a grown man, for Christ’s sake.

            I’m a grown woman. So why am I so upset by this?

            I avert my eyes when he kisses her, the action too intimate for even my pining, self-loathing ass to watch. I fiddle with my fingers, my nails freshly done just yesterday. It was my way of pampering myself before this weekend because convention weekends are never easy with my anxiety. But they’re especially not easy when Rob suddenly decides to bring the woman he’s seeing.

            A light touch on my shoulder has me looking up from my hands. My face splits into a grin when I see it’s Briana, and she’s holding a cup of coffee with my name on it.

            I nearly squeal from excitement, having not seen her in a month of longer because we’ve both been working like crazy. I hug her tightly around the next, closing my eyes to savor this moment. She gives the best hugs, if you ask me.

            “I missed you. Don’t ever let me get a job ever again.”

            She laughs loudly, kissing the side of my head. “You’re sweet. But you have to work.” She hands me my coffee. “But maybe try landing a job closer to me next time? I missed you, too.” She teases me, but I know there is some seriousness in her tone.

            “I’ll try,” I nod. “It’s not my fault my hometown has become a filming hotspot.”

            “Speaking of, I need details!” She pulls out one of the chairs, plopping herself down in front of me.

            “Well, it’s a movie, so that’s different. I’ve never done one before this.”

            “That’s exciting, though!”

            “Yeah! And it’s nice to be close to home. I’ve had my parents on set one day, and had to babysit my sister the other day because school was out but work wasn’t.”

            “Isn’t she like…15?”

            I nod, chuckling. “She is. I think she wanted to come see her big sister on set and just didn’t want to admit it.”

            “Mm, that makes more sense,” she smiles.

            There’s a lull, and I can practically hear Bri’s next question, so I quickly fill the silence. “It’s really nice. I’m working with a lot of my friends who aren’t from the city so it’s nice to show them around. I think one of the AD’s called me ‘Atlanta’ for a good week and a half and it just caught on.” I pause to laugh. “It’s so weird working from home, basically. I have my own place, but like, if I wanted to I could go to my parent’s house. It’s weird, but I know I missed it. Being in Vancouver those three years was hard.”

            I was on _Supernatural_ for a good three seasons. I’m not anymore, but my character is also not dead, so who knows. Anyway, since I was recurring for that time, I stayed in Vancouver. I went home on the holidays, obviously, but when I had a boyfriend for one of those years we stayed up there and visited his family on holidays. He’s out of the picture now, hopefully doing a lot better, but part of me misses him. Which is why it is a very good thing I have this job in Atlanta, near my family to keep me grounded.

            I then make the mistake of letting my eyes linger on Rob and his girl (girlfriend? Or just a date?) for longer than two seconds. Briana immediately twists herself around in her chair, waving to the happy couple as they walk out of the green room, hand in hand.

            And when Bri turns back around, her face is nothing but sympathetic. “How’s the crush doing?”

            I chuckle at her blunt wording.

            Rob and I…it’s a weird situation. We only ever see each other in person on these convention weekends, but each time we are attached at the hip – or used to be. We understand one another, despite how cheesy that sounds, and something about us literally _clicked_ the first night we met. And we’ve been best friends since. Or, until he started dating.

            We used to text and FaceTime probably every single day. He would update me on Louden Swain business, I would update him on my auditions. We’d talk about our days, rant about how neurotic we are, and laugh at each other’s crazy adventures from the day. But then he started dating, and our talking sort of slowed to random bursts. I’m lucky if he texts me first once every two weeks or something, or if he replies to my text within a week. I got tired after a while and stopped texting first, but there’s a part of me that still misses the friendship we had. And his random “how are you doing” texts every couple weeks don’t help my getting-over-him process either.

            “Judging by the look on your face, I’d say not too good.”

            I lift my head, try to play it off. “What?” But the look she gives me lets me know she doesn’t buy one second of that. I sigh. “He’s never…brought one to a convention, you know?”

            When I say Rob started dating, I mean, he started _dating_. It seemed like every time we got the gang together for dinner or drinks (or both), he had a new girl. And if we saw her for two get togethers in a row, it was a miracle. But we never saw one for more than two. And he never brought one to a convention.

            This is his work. He always told me he was worried about a relationship because he does so much – Louden Swain touring, his acting career, performing and mediating conventions – that he doesn’t want a relationship to get in the way. Or for the person to not understand what he does.

            “Maybe she won’t stick around for the whole weekend.”

            I gasp. “Bri!”

            “What?” She laughs. “Fine, but I am serious. She seems sweet, but…not like Rob.”

            I raise an eyebrow. “Well she’s not supposed to be just like Rob.”

            “No, I mean, they seem—they’re like opposites of each other.”

            “You know what they say,” I laugh weakly, “opposites attract.”

            “I’m trying to empathize here and you’re making it really hard.”

            I laugh loudly then. “Well I’m trying to move on!”

            “No you’re not.”

            I glare at her. She glares back, but more playful, mocking me. I try not to smile.

            “You could always throw him some hints.”

            I scoff. I think I threw him enough. “Are you forgetting when I called you that night? Remember? I literally told him I could try and prove him wrong when he said he didn’t see himself in a stable relationship.” I pause, shaking my head. I was an idiot. “I told him before he made conclusions like that, he could at least give me a chance.”

            She nods. “I do remember that.”

            “Okay. So I am not going to go after him again because he’s taken. That’s ridiculous.”

            “It’s not as ridiculous as it seems.”

            “I am not going to be a homewrecker!” I laugh. “You’re crazy.”

            “Oh, you’re only a homewrecker if they’re married.”

            “Not helping.”

            “I’m not asking you to be homewrecker. I’m just saying they don’t seem too serious.”

            I raise an eyebrow. “Too serious?”

            “As in serious enough for him to turn down someone else.”

            “Bold of you to assume he likes someone else,” I chuckle.

            She gives me another look. “You don’t see the way he looks at you.”

            “And I don’t want to,” I fire back. “Look, no more. We’re done talking about this. He’s going to be happy with her – or someone else, for all I care.” I push a strand of hair out of my face. “I need to focus on being happy with myself while he’s busy ignoring me.”

            Bri frowns. “How are you doing?”

            I look down at the cup of coffee in my hand, now realizing I haven’t drunk from it yet. I decide to take a sip before answering her. As usual, it scalds my tongue.

            “I’m better, I guess. Sober for three days,” I joke.

            “Are you gonna be okay tomorrow?”

            Oh, the Saturday Night After Party (we just call it SNAP). “Yeah…” I pause. “Watch out for me anyway?”

            She nods. “Always. And hey, three days is a start.” She pauses, resting her hand on my arm. “If you don’t want to come to SNAP tomorrow I understand. Hell, we can have a no-alcohol in the room rule—”

            I shake my head. “No, no don’t. It’s okay. I’ll be alright.”

            She grabs my hand, squeezing tightly. “Okay. I’ll watch out for you.”

            I smile. “Thank you.”

            “And hey,” she pauses, waiting until I’m looking in her eyes, “if you need a girl night with some ice cream and sad movies, say the word. I’m all for it and I’m sure Kim and Ruth will be onboard, too.”

            I squeeze her hand. “Thank you. But I think I’ll be okay.”

            “Hm,” she narrows her eyes. “We’ll see. Ice cream and cuddling sessions are hard to turn down.”

            I laugh. “I know, I might take you up on the offer – minus the sad movies. I’m tired of being sad.”

            “Deal,” she nods.

            The conversation is interrupted by the band coming into the room with Rich following behind. Briana and I stand, both of us not having seen Rich or the band at all yet this morning. Hugs are shared before Rich looks around, his eyes confused as he glances between Bri and I.

            “…where’s Rob?”

            I shake my head, trying to play off the tug in my heart at his name. Stupid. “He…left like fifteen minutes ago. I don’t know.”

            “Left with…?”

            “His flavor of the month,” Bri snickers.

            I nudge her shoulder, trying not to laugh. “I’d be mad if that wasn’t kind of true.”

            Rich bites back a smile. “I hate that it is. My best friend, a hot mess when he’s single and now worse when he’s trying to date. Anyway.” He leaves to find Rob, dialing his number on the way out the door.

 

* * *

 

 

My panel flows easily with Bri at my side. Thankfully since she was here early, she didn’t mind accompanying me. I’ll be with her, Kim, and Ruth tomorrow for our ladies’ panel, but my solo was supposed to be today. Until I told Bri I was nervous, and she “crashed” the panel with my forgotten cup of coffee…and decided to stay.

            Thankfully I don’t have any photos or anything today; that’s all tomorrow. We spend the rest of the afternoon talking about karaoke (and boys).

            We’re mostly alone in the green room the whole time. The band is also there, causing some impromptu jamming sessions since Rob has been nothing but MIA today when he’s not supposed to be onstage.

            When he does return, it’s for lunch, and he returns with his girl. Who we learn is Lily.

            “Hey, nice to meet you,” I smile, waving to the insanely beautiful woman. “Oh, I’m Sarah, by the way.”

            “Sarah,” Lily grins, “I’ve always loved that name. It’s nice to finally meet you!”

            I chuckle nervously, telling her the feeling is mutual, but she continues talking.

            “Rob has told me so much about you! I swear sometimes he likes you more than he likes me,” she teases. Or her tone is teasing. But Rob looks far from comfortable and “comfortable” is the last word I would use to describe myself right now.

            But I play it off. As always. “All good things, I really do hope.”

            “Oh, definitely,” she assures me.

            I nod. “Good.” I offer a smile in their general direction, which Lily returns, but Rob is too focused on his half-eaten pizza to even say anything in response.

            I toss my napkin down on my plate, making eye contact with Briana – our secret code for, “ _I’m going to go to the rest room, I need you to come with_ ,” which she immediately nods.

            I almost announce my departure, but everyone seems too engrossed in their own conversations to care. So instead I turn and walk toward the green room doors. And instead of waiting until I left, Briana is hot on my heels as I stumble out of the doors, face red from embarrassment and heart throttling itself against my rib cage.

            “She’s heard all about me? What the hell does that even mean?”

            “I know,” Bri tries, her hand resting on my shoulder.

            “He has time to talk to her all about me, but not text me back? Fuck!”

            “Come on, outside.” She steers me toward the exit doors. “You need fresh air.” She pushes open the doors, dragging me behind her.

            “I need him to stop messing with me!” I cry, throwing my hands in the air. “He speaks to me like we’re best friends – fuck, like there’s something _more_ or I would’ve never suggested it – and then he drops me for girls left and right? And then he has the time to tell her about me? The fuck does he think he is?”

            “I know.”

            “I mean, what does he gain out of this?”

            “I don’t know.”

            “And then he just sat there! He wouldn’t even acknowledge the fact that he apparently has time to gush about me, but not time to reply to my damn text and tell me whether or not he wanted a fucking seat at the premier!”

            “What?”

            I scoff. “Oh, yeah. We did a best friend screening, stupid, or whatever, but the director wanted to. We’ve done family ones, he wanted to do a best friend one. You were out of town, so was everyone else, I thought, “Hey, maybe this will give us a chance to reconnect,” but he never fucking replied. He read the message and left it. Not a damn word.”

            “Sarah…”

            “I don’t know what’s happening.” I can already feel the lump forming in my throat. “It’s like— I don’t even know what it’s like.”

            “Hey…” She doesn’t say anything else, just gathers me in her arms and rubs my back. I inhale and exhale shakily, my entire body shaking from frustration. I wish I could walk in there and just ask him what his deal is. Ask him why he feels the need to do this to me.

            But then I wonder to myself why I am even letting this get to me. I need to quit reading so far into things. That’s my problem.

            “Okay,” I push back from the hug, taking in another shaky breath. I wipe at my cheeks, laughing without really meaning to. “I’m letting him ruin my pizza.”

            Bri laughs. “We can steal an extra box and go up to my room if you want.”

            I shake my head. “I’ll be okay.” I pause. “Can we stop by the bathroom first? I need to pee and make sure I don’t look like I just cried over a stupid boy.”

            She chuckles, linking her arm with mine. “We can. Let’s go.”


	2. i bet she's around.

Saturday morning after karaoke is the worst. We’re all exhausted, but we all have to be up pretty early. And by pretty early, I mean before eleven. That’s early when didn’t get to sleep until nearly two in the morning.

            In conclusion, we’re all zombies in the green room, and Billy and I are mindlessly tossing a football back and forth to keep our minds awake.

            I jump, catching the football before it hits the light. I give Billy a wide-eyed look. “If we break another light we’re dead.”

            He laughs loudly as I toss the ball back. “The last one wasn’t my fault.”

            “But still!” I chuckle, catching his throw. “We gotta be careful.”

            “Fine, mom,” he teases, mocking me by gingerly catching my toss and then throwing it back to me gently.

            I use my full power and send a spiral back to him, calling him an ass which causes him to laugh and miss the catch.

            The green room door opens, my eyes instinctively moving toward the sound. A sigh of relief flows through me when I see it’s just Jason. I wave, catching Billy’s next throw without looking, causing him to groan loudly.

            “Hey!” Jason walks over, giving me a big bear hug. “How’ve you been?”

            “Good!” I chuckle. “Busy. You?”

            “The usual,” he smiles. “Hey, we need someone to sing for soundcheck.”

            I raise an eyebrow, tossing the ball back to Billy. “Bri’s over there.”

            “She’s got photos in half an hour and her handler won’t let her leave.”

            “Kim?”

            He gives me a look.

            I sigh, chewing on my bottom lip. “Is the room empty?”

            He nods. “The doors are shut and everything. It’s just the crew right now.” He pauses. “Please?”

            I catch Billy’s next throw, shoving the ball at Jason’s chest teasingly. “You’re lucky I love you.”

            “Yes!” He cheers, tossing the ball back to Billy. “Thank you.”

            “Mhm,” I chuckle. “Let’s go before I change my mind.”

            He laughs, wrapping an arm around my shoulders briefly in a side-hug. We walk side-by-side to the backstage area. I pull the curtain back, stepping up on the stage. As promised, no one is out there. It’s empty – and eerie. There are a few crew members bustling around, but I don’t know any of them well enough to be extremely nervous.

            Jason waves to me from the side where the control box is. “Green is on,” he tells me. Short for: the microphone with the green tape on the end of it is hooked up to the system. “Just sing whatever. The piano is on if you want, and Rob’s guitar there is hooked up.”

            Well, I’m not using the latter. I walk over to the piano, sitting on the stool behind it and placing the green mic in the holder.

            I press a chord, smiling at the feeling. “Anything?” I ask, the last bit of nerves in my system spilling over in that question.

            “Anything,” Jason smiles. “You got this.”

            Debatable, I think, but thanks. “Okay,” I breathe. First thing that comes to mind piano wise.

            I play the intro, making sure I’m playing the modified key for my voice. I begin humming, my way of warming myself up before I can fully sing.

            “ _Stone cold, stone cold. You see me standing but I’m dying on the floor. Stone cold, stone cold. Maybe if I don’t cry I won’t feel anymore. Stone cold, baby. God knows I try to feel happy for you. Know that I am, even if I can’t understand. I’ll take the pain, give me the truth. Me and my heart, we’ll make it through. If happy is her, I’m happy for you._ ”

            I pause, feeling the tears stinging the back of my eyes. “I don’t remember anything else,” I blurt, looking to Jason with a small smile.

            He sees right through me though. “Can you sing something else? Just a verse or something. We’re still messing around.”

            I nod, my hands shaking as they smooth over the keys.

            “Oh, and can you hear the piano fine?”

            Distraction questions. I nod. “Yeah, it’s a little loud, but that’s good.”

            He nods. “Alright.”

            I take a deep breath, starting another song. A newer one, or this version is at least. I remember when it came out, I practically threw myself at my piano to learn it.

            “ _Somebody said you got a new friend. Does she love you better than I can? There’s a big black sky over my town…I know where you’re at, I bet she’s around._ ” I shake my head. “ _Yeah, I know it’s stupid, but I just gotta see it for myself. I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her. And I’m right over here, why can’t you see me?_ ” I laugh weakly in the middle, continuing even though he only said he needed one verse. “ _I’m all messed up, I’m so out of line. Stilettos and broken bottles, I’m spinning around in circles._ ” I take a deep breath. “ _So far away, but still so near. The lights come up, the music dies. But you don’t see me standing here…I just came to say goodbye. I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her…_ ” I drift away, my emotions having run out now. For the most part. Or at least, for as much as I’m going to let them.

            I look up, finding Briana in the audience with Kim and Ruth. All three of their faces have bright smiles as they clap wildly. I laugh quietly, moving my eyes to Jason who gives me two thumbs up and says, “We’re good now! Thank you.”

            And then I see Rob.

            Arms down by his side, frown on his face, eyebrows furrowed.

            He heard that. He heard all of that. He just heard me sing about him.

            Well, he might not know I just sang those songs with him in mind. But the lyrics were hardly on the vague side of things and the songs themselves wouldn’t be on my mind if he wasn’t—

            I stand from the piano, practically bolting backstage. The curtains swing behind me as I skip down the stairs, swinging around on the railing.

            “Sarah! Wait, wait, hey, are you okay?”

            “What?” I answer a little too quickly. “Yeah, why?”

            “The song—”

            I stop, turning to face him. I would like to say I’m not mad at him. I’d like to say that my rage from yesterday left while I slept last night. But it didn’t. That rage and frustration and confusion is still very alive in my heart and I am not sure how else to deal with it. But being friendly to him and acting like I’m not upset is not and never will be an option.

            “It’s just a song, Rob.” I cross my arms over my chest. “Where’s Lily?”

            “In the green room, but are you sure—”

            “I’m positive. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have photo ops that I need to get ready for.” I push past him, heading for the doors that lead into the hallway.

            My girls are waiting for me in the hall. Briana’s handler is looking particularly worried since she kind of has somewhere to be in probably fifteen minutes now.

            When I reach them, I’m wrapped in the best bear hug you can possibly imagine. My women. My rocks.

            I sigh heavily. “I love you guys.”

            “Oh, and we love you, dear,” Ruth coos, poking my cheek. “Briana has photos, so why don’t we go with her?” She loops my arm with hers, Kim doing the same on my other side as Briana and her handler walk a little faster ahead of us – but not out of earshot because Bri still wants to listen.

            “Now,” Kim pats my arm lovingly, “what did the fucker do?”

            I laugh loudly, tossing my head back before turning to grin at her. “You have a way with words, don’t you?”


	3. i'm all messed up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small talk with Lily has Sarah feeling a tiny bit healed. But the concert and the Saturday Night After Party (referred to as SNAP) has her spiraling further out of control.

The rest of the day flows smoother than the beginning. And I make it part of my self-care routine for the day to avoid Rob at all costs. Which, to be fair, isn’t hard to do. He’s either onstage, rehearsing with the band, or spending time with Lily.

            But there is a moment, when Rob and Briana are rehearsing with the band for her performance of their song “Wave” tonight, that Lily catches me alone.

            “Hey,” she smiles. “Do you mind if I sit?”

            I look around, suddenly realizing that Kim and Ruth have abandoned me to move closer and listen to Bri sing. I shake my head, clicking my phone off. “Uh, not at all. What’s up?”

            She sits down in the chair, flipping her red hair over her shoulder, not in a sassy way, just…natural. She is genuine. It’s something I’ve noticed. And started to admire. “I wanted to apologize.”

            I lean forward, furrowing my eyebrows. “For what?” And then silently, I want to tell her not to dare apologize for Rob’s actions, or rather, his silence. But she doesn’t.

            “You looked upset yesterday at lunch after what I said. And then your escape didn’t look like it made you feel much better,” she chuckles weakly, obviously a little nervous. “So I just wanted to say I’m sorry if I said something I shouldn’t have…or touched a nerve without meaning to.”

            I want to tell her she didn’t touch a nerve. Deny it until I can leave here and not see him again for another month. But the look on her face already tells me that she knows she did.

            “Can I ask one thing?”

            I breathe through a laugh, my eyes unconsciously moving to Rob. Thankfully he doesn’t catch me looking before I return to Lily. “Shoot.”

            “Did…Do you and Rob have history?”

            I nearly choke on my own spit, my eyes going wide. “History as in…?”

            “You know.”

            I shrug. “That…might actually depend on who you ask.”

            She nods, her eyebrows raising as she studies me. “Gotcha.”

            I can tell she doesn’t fully understand, but I can also tell that she doesn’t think it’s her place to press the matter any further. Which I also admire. “Can I ask you something?”

            “I don’t see why not. Shoot.”

            I chuckle at her small light-hearted mock. “How long have you and Rob been dating?”

            Her face, bless her, immediately lights up. “A little over a month. We met in the grocery store, actually. It’s kind of cheesy, we were reaching for the same cereal box.”

            I laugh at that, the painful tug in my chest drifting away. The sound of that is so domestic and adorable that I want to hear more. “Really?”

            She tries not to grin as she continues. “I had my brother with me that day, so Rob was a little flustered. We happened to see each other again just a week later in the same store. He asked where my brother was but referred to him as my _boyfriend_.” She pauses to laugh. “Oh, I’ve never seen someone turn so red when I tell them that Josh is actually my biological sibling – Josh is my brother.”

            “Oh, that is such a Rob thing. That’s hilarious.”

            She nods in agreement, laughing more now that she’s reminded herself of the story. I find myself laughing too, oddly enough, feeling light for the first time this weekend. She looks incredibly happy and dammit, so does he. Which is good. I’m glad they’ve found that happiness in one another. And even if I don’t _feel_ glad right now, I know I am deep down.

            I don’t hate him. No matter how hard I cried last night and threw popcorn at the TV while screaming that he was an asshole, just like the asshole in the movie, I don’t hate him. I can’t bring myself to. And I’m just starting to wonder if I’d be better off without him.

            I don’t want to think like that. I miss being his friend. I miss _him_.

            But maybe if he’s happier with her, I need to let it go. I need to let go of whatever we had — or whatever I _thought_ we had. I think I just need to let go. But I know that is going to be hard.

            Which is why I can’t bring myself to really feel genuinely happy for them right now. Or genuinely think I’ll be better off. Because right now I don’t know. I’d like to be happier. But…I’m not.

            So instead I sit here and listen. I listen to Lily tell me about some of her and Rob’s first few dates. How embarrassingly nervous he was at first. How he forgot his wallet on one, completely on accident, and proceeded to freak out because he realized he had driven all the way there without his license or anything. How after a while, he got more comfortable, more confident, and more sexy. How he takes her to museums and parks. How happy he makes her feel.

            And my heart aches. Because that is exactly how I used to feel. I see it all over her face. The look of love, but she doesn’t want to admit it. Because they’ve only been dating a month or so, so that’s way too early to think of love.

            But it’s not.

            I felt love the first time I looked at him. And again the first time I hugged him. And again when I watch him play guitar. And again when I hear him sing. And again when he fumbles over his words. And again as I sit here, wishing them both the best. Because despite the lingering love that is very much alive in my chest, I am starting to wonder if I need to accept that this is unrequited.

 

* * *

 

Briana finds me in my room thirty minutes later. The lights are off, my phone is hooked up to the speakers, and “Tin Man” by Miranda Lambert is playing.

            Bri doesn’t say anything at first, just sits on the edge of the bed and pats my leg. I smile softly, murmuring a small, “Hey.”

            “Hey there,” she replies, reaching over and turning the music down a notch. “You talked to Lily.”

            It isn’t a question. Just a mere statement. An observation that she saw us talking while she rehearsed. But still I confirm it. “Yeah.”

            “What’d you talk about?”

            “Rob.”

            She gives me a sympathetic look, her hand reaching for mine. “I’m sorry.”

            I sit up, shaking my head. “Don’t be.” I pause, leaning over to turn the music off entirely. I’ve had enough of being sad. “They’re happy.”

            “But you’re not.”

            I shake my head again. “That’s not on him. Or her. It’s on me.” She tries to protest, but I wave it away. “I’ll be okay. We have a panel to do, and then a concert to jam out at.”

            She smiles. “Are you coming to the after party?”

            “I’ll try. We’ll see.”

            Part of me wants to protect myself more. Skip out on SNAP and stay in my room, maybe watch another romance movie. Maybe a rom-com, something to make me laugh and cry at the same time. But then the other part of me – the self-destructive part of me – wants to go to SNAP like I always do. And drink my feelings away, like I always do. I’m not sure which part of me will win just yet.

            Bri squeezes my hand. “Okay. Let’s do this.”

            The rest of the day, without sounding so cliché, literally flies by. After the panel – that was filled from everything about anxiety to sex to love to advice on all of the above – we head to photos. And from photos we went right into autographs. Then from there we had lunch, which consisted of salads because none of us are particularly hungry at the moment, nor do we have a lot of time. After lunch came more rehearsals, which eventually lead right into getting ready for the concert.

            We have another jam session in Bri’s room as we all get ready for the concert. Bri, Kim, and Ruth are all singing tonight, me being the odd one out. I don’t normally sing at these; I think I have once as a true accidental duet. I’ll mostly likely be keeping Lily company backstage, but I’m not dreading it. We’ll be dancing, so I’m hoping she won’t try to talk too much.

            I would like to say that I remember more of the concert than I do. I would also like to say that I didn’t down a shot of tequila the moment I saw Lily giving Rob a kiss for good luck before the show.

            The drinking started backstage, as you can gather. Briana kept an eye on me, Lily being absolutely oblivious and focusing on Rob way too much for her own good. _But she looked so happy_.

            The after party is a mess of a blur. Briana spends her time babysitting me, I know. I reach for a glass of alcohol and she immediately moves it away, catching my attention on something else. Probably something soft. Or shiny.

            At one point, Rob and Lily are making out on the couch, drinks forgotten on the table. This prompts me to turn around and down half the remaining vodka in the bottle. Bri catches me after I do because of the loud coughing fit I immediately burst into.

            I remember being drug out of the room, across the hall to someone else, the walls seeming to move on their own accord.

            “Are you…are you okay?”

            “Whew, not really, but what else is new?” I don’t like these words. This isn’t me.

            Rich blinks at me, turning to Briana. “What’s wrong with her?”

            I think I said, “Hey! I’m right here!”

            “She’s wasted,” Bri replies, sounding tired but also more concerned than I expect. Why does she worry so much about me? “Will you keep an eye on her? I need to kick everyone out of my room.”

            She leaves me with Rich. He guides me over to the couch, offering up a blanket and pillow when I ask. I have the blanket around my shoulders, the pillow hugged tightly against my chest.

            I can feel it in me. I drank more than I should have. More than I promised myself I would. I told myself one beer. Or one shot. Not both. And surely not more than that.

            I flinch upon feeling a soft touch on my shoulder, but it’s only Rich, and he recoils after witnessing my reaction.

            “Sorry, sorry,” I blurt, wiping hastily at my face as I sit up. My hands are wet when I pull them away.

            He shakes his head. “It’s okay.” He moves to sit on the edge of his bed, eyeing me carefully. “Would you mind talking to me about what’s really wrong?”

            I ignore his question and ask my own. “Is he really happy?”

            Rich looks confused for a moment. “Who?”

            “Rob,” I cry. “Is he happy?”

            Rich hesitates. “I think so…”

            “Good,” I say immediately. “Good. I want—I want him to be happy. I wanna be…be happy _for_ him, but it’s hard. I—Why am I not happy for him? I—” I take a deep breath, not even realizing Rich has his arms wrapped around me until I’m essentially sobbing into his shoulder.

            I can’t stop myself. My emotions were a rollercoaster before the alcohol, but the alcohol only made them worse. It normally does. I know better than this.

            Bri comes back a few minutes later. I’m lying on Rich’s couch, curled in on myself. I know better. I know better. She’s worried. I never want her to worry. I know better.

            I know better.


	4. i just came to say goodbye.

When I wake up the next morning I can feel a headache. I’ve felt worse, though, so the most this does is make me groan in annoyance. And the fact scares me.

            I hear someone moving around, the rustling of clothes, soft humming to their own tune. I open my eyes, rolling over in the bed to find the source.

            Bri’s room. I’m in Bri’s room.

            I sit myself up, hugging the covers to my chest as I watch Briana bustling around her room, packing her bag and getting her clothes together. When she sees me sitting up, she stops, unsure of what to say as she looks at me.

            “Morning,” I croak, offering a small smile.

            “Good morning,” she says quietly, flashing a little smile. “You okay?”

            I almost nod, thinking physically, because _physically_ I’m alright. I’ve got this pesky headache that I know came from a night of drinking, but thankfully I appear to be unharmed (I’ve woken up with scratches and bruises with no recollection of how they got there).

            But I think a little further. To emotions. I can feel that weight on my chest. It hasn’t left.

            I shake my head, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. I press my hands against the mattress, chuckling sadly. “I’m not.”

            She frowns. “I know.”

            I take a deep breath, trying not to cry. I just woke up, for Christ’s sake, and I can already feel the tears stinging the backs of my eyes. I blink the tears away, finally looking over at her.

            “I’m not alright at all.”

            She knows immediately what other issue I’m referring to. “One night doesn’t mean you’re slipping again, you know.”

            “I know. But it does mean I need…” I sigh. Every time, this is always hard to admit. Because I’ve gotten help. But it never sticks. “I need to get some help again.” I pause. “I don’t remember half of last night, Bri, I don’t even remember getting in this room. I need to go home and see my therapist and…” I give her a sad look. “I think I need to take some time off. I need some serious help.”

            I’m crushed by a hug less than a second later, the force and suddenness of it knocking the breath out of me.

            “I’m so proud of you,” she murmurs. I can hear her voice shaking like she’s holding back tears. And that’s enough for both of us to let the dams break, ignoring that it’s still early and we still have things to do today.

            Sometimes it’s good to cry. Especially like this. A relieved cry. Because I know I need help again, and I’ve been so damn scared to admit it. But saying it to Bri, who knows how hard this has been, just to hear her say she’s proud and supports me – that’s all I need.

 

* * *

 

After Bri finishes packing, she goes with me to my room to help me gather my things. It doesn’t take long since I never really unpack on these weekends. But it’s bittersweet.

            I was supposed to stay the whole day today. But I can’t.

            I found a flight back to Atlanta while Bri was packing. I was able to switch my ticket into the earlier flight, from the one I was previously on that wasn’t supposed to leave until seven tonight. This earlier one leaves in three hours.

            Down in the green room is the hardest part of my morning. Thankfully since my flight is leaving pretty soon, I have an excuse to not let everyone bombard me with too many questions. But it’s hard to say goodbye, when Bri is the only one who really knows this might be my last con for a very long while.

            Jared and Jensen come offstage from their gold panel, spotting me from a mile away. For some strange reason, I have become something like a little sister to them. So the bone-crushing hug I receive from both of them catches me off guard as much as it makes me feel safe.

            I laugh as Jared holds on a little longer, spinning me around before letting me down. “I missed that,” I grin, giving him another side hug.

            “What are you doing here so early?” Jensen teases, knowing I’m not normally awake before noon if I don’t really have to be.

            But the reason I am here comes to mind again, and I try to blink the tears away before they see anything. Nothing gets past Jared, though, as always.

            “Wait, are you okay?”

            “I’m…” I chuckle, wrapping my arms around myself. “I’m not doing good. I came to say goodbye, actually. I’m on a flight home in a couple hours to see my therapist and…um, yeah.”

            Jared pulls me into another hug, Jensen wrapping his arms around us a second later. They both kiss my head before letting me go, Jared’s arms lingering.

            “You text me if you need anything, okay?”

            “And you know the girls are always up for some time away if you want to call them,” Jensen reminds me, rubbing my arm lovingly.

            I nod. “I will. And I know,” I pause, chuckling, “I might actually take them up on the offer this time. I miss the kids.”

            “And they miss you,” Jared smiles. “Take care of yourself.”

            “That’s what I’m trying to do.”

            They give me one last hug before their handlers are ushering them away, desperately needing them to get into some photos.

            I had wanted to save Rob for last, but he walks up to me almost a second after Jared and Jensen leave.

            I look to find Briana for some help, finding that she’s over by Ruth and Kim. I take a deep breath, focusing back on myself.

            “Hey.”

            I smile a little. He looks more nervous than I am. “Hey.”

            “I, uh—Are you okay?”

            I sigh. Everyone keeps asking that. “No, not really.”

            He frowns at my honesty. “Oh. I’m sorry.”

            I shake my head. “Don’t be. Not your fault. But I came down to say goodbye. I’m heading home in a few hours.”

            He raises his eyebrows, clearly shocked. “Oh. I thought you were leaving after dinner.”

            “I was, um, but I need to get home,” I pause to smile, deciding to change subjects. “Where’s Lily?”

            “Oh, she has to work tonight.”

            So she already went back home. Which I’m assuming means back to LA. “Oh, okay. Tell her I said it was nice to meet her and all.”

            He nods. “I will.”

            “Okay, well,” I breathe. This is more awkward than I was expecting. “I’m gonna finish my rounds and then I’ll be out of here.”

            “Okay.”

            “See you at the next one,” I offer, but in my head, I add _maybe, we’ll see_.

            He smiles a little then. “Yeah. See you.”

            I turn and walk toward the girls, giving the floor a confused look. Well, he could at least _try_ to act a little sympathetic. I swear he looked like he was shut off from the world as I talked to him. Maybe he was, and maybe that’s not my fault. But I expected more out of him than a, “Oh. Okay. I’m sorry.” That’s not how he used to be.

            But, maybe that’s just it. He’s not who he used to be. And I need to stop expecting so much from him, or expecting stuff that the old him would have done. Because maybe he’s changed.

            Granted, I don’t think anyone can change as much as he seems to in the span of five months, but who knows. Everyone is different. Maybe he had some enlightening revelation. I’ll never know.

            And as I stand here, surrounded by Kim, Ruth, and Briana, I’m thinking that maybe it’s a good thing I don’t know. Maybe we need some distance. Maybe I was too much. Maybe it was all a little too much for him. I don’t know. But I don’t need to know. I don’t need to focus on him.

            I need to focus on me. And that’s something I regret not doing more often. But it’s also something I’m going to start doing from this day forward.


End file.
